The Grace of Mental Acuity and the Idol of Intellect
A week ago, I crashed my bicycle during a road cycling workout.
In the accident, I sustained a Grade 3 concussion involving the brief loss of consciousness.
I am grateful to the Lord that it wasn’t worse and I am happy to report that I am essentially healed, save for a black eye, the occasional headache, and some neck stiffness. I expect to be back to my usual health within a few days.
But for the first couple days, I wasn’t okay. My early post-concussion symptoms were not insignificant.
Light and sound would thrust me into extreme headaches. My balance wasn’t quite right. I couldn’t track things with my eyes without a good amount of effort.
But these passed quickly and didn’t disturb me as much as this: I couldn’t think.
Not only was the very basic act of thinking causing deep headaches, but I was simply unable to access my thoughts with the quickness and certainty to which I am accustomed.
I was confused, mentally fatigued, and unsure of my own words as they came out of my mouth.
And so it was that I experienced for a few brief days in my thirties a hint of what it would be like to lose my mental acuity. And I’ll say this— I hated it.
I sustained the head injury on a Wednesday night, and that Sunday I was in the pulpit preaching a sermon on a familiar text. I was basically better. Nothing like the first two days.
To the listener, it was likely not obvious that there was anything different happening with me, again, save for the black eye. That extra second to find a word or a thought was widely undetected by listening ears. But that extra processing time was screaming at me in my head. I was fully aware that I did not have the same rapid access to my thoughts, ideas, knowledge, or words that I normally enjoy. And that slight delay left me feeling helpless.
At one point in my message, I said:
“Now, Peter may or may not have known at this point that Jesus had risen from the grave.”
The very next line I read from the Scriptures was:
“This was now the third time that Jesus was revealed to the disciples after he was raised from the dead.”
I had been reading this passage all week. But in the moment, the timeline of events escaped me. A small thing in the scheme of things. But not for me. It sent me reeling.
And this is how the Lord revealed to me that I have made an idol of my mental acuity, especially the ability to access and communicate my intellect.
I want to have mastery over my communication. I want to command my speech. I want to access information when I want and how I want. I want to make quick mental connections and artistic interpretations. I want to sound smart. Not always so I can glorify God and honor his Word with the grace of a sharp mind, but so that I can feel like I am in control— especially of my image. The Lord revealed to me that one of my great underlying fears is to sound like a buffoon.
At work, when someone is needed to unify people who have competing interests around a difficult message, I am the guy they call. I am the guy who can make hard truth accessible to people, wherever they are coming from. I am the guy who can be winsome. I am the guy who can appeal to people from many different angles to get on board with a vision. I’m the direct but likable communicator. It makes me feel important, respected, and smart. The Lord used this head injury to reveal to me that I have owned this identity and worn it as a lesser covering for years.
My wife often ribs that I am “a man with a silver tongue.” In a vulnerable moment that broke my heart a few years ago, my wife said to me, “I know that I can’t compete with you in a debate or an argument. You are so smart, but you’re also faster, quicker, more convincing and a better communicator than I am. If my wisdom is going to be heard in our relationship, I feel I am at the mercy of your willingness to listen, because I cannot out-communicate you.”
Lord, let my pride burn like chaff. If I am placing such a high value on this gift in my own life, will this not also cause me to devalue those who lack the gift of mental acuity and strong communication?
How many wise men and women have I neglected to learn from because I dismissed the Holy Spirit in them if they lacked a strong communication skill? How many men and women have I respected because of their mental acuity rather than the witness of their life, the humility of their hearts, and the presence of God in them? If I lost my mental acuity or my mastery of communication, would the wisdom that the Lord speaks to my life be of any less value? Of course not! But to access it, it would require humility and patience from those in relationship with me, rather than my ability to be engaging. There is something beautiful about that, and I have neglected this truth.
I have failed to believe that the only wisdom worth hearing is that which is given by the Holy Spirit. I have failed to believe that the Holy Spirit dwells equally in all the saints. I have failed to believe the Holy Spirit brings wisdom forth from sharp and dull minds alike.
I have failed to believe that the wisdom of man is folly to the Lord. I have preferred bright and charismatic men to the often meek and humble voice of the Lord. I have desired to be sharp rather than dependent. I have sought my glory rather than God’s.
Can and does the Lord anoint some people with the gift of a sharp mind to be used for His glory and purposes? Of course. Does the Lord need sharp men to achieve his mission on Earth? Absolutely not.
Father God, thank you for humbling me. Thank you for clonking me in the head, that I might have my idol held in front of me so I could be confronted with it. Lord, let it be that I would rather have a speech impediment like Moses and utterly depend on You than claim your gracious gift of a sharp coordination of mind and tongue as a tool for self-glory.
Receive this repentance.
Amen.
Proverbs 28:26 (ESV)
”Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.”
